Not My Pain: Part 2

The Embodiment of Self-Love

This morning, the sun still rose from the east, and the grass was still wet from the rain last night. The world did not end.

After our sweaty morning walk, I looked at Bekki lying peacefully on the cool floor. Clear thoughts shot through my head,

At least, even if she will have to go through the excruciating pain, possibly the rest of her poor little life (a story told by my fear, not a fact told by the vet's diagnosis), but she is in a much better place than the rest of the stray dogs here. Those dogs that are still roaming the streets of Bali, those dogs that are dragging their limping legs, searching for food in piles of garbage with no guarantee they'll find it. Those famished, sick dogs that have no food to eat, shelter, no comfort of a bed, no love. But I went beyond my, Wallie's, and my husband's comfort zone, to give all of that to Bekki—and much more. This is what I should be focusing on.

When she's in pain, I can still take her to acupuncture and give her a painkiller. I will ease her pain with my love, comfort her with food and massage, in this safe place where she doesn't have to live in fear while struggling with her pain. The rest of the dogs on this brutal island don't have any of that.

I have done, and will continue to do, enormous good for the rest of her life.

Why should I keep beating myself up and punish myself by taking her pain and making it mine, hoping it will help ease her pain (which it won't)?

I should nurture myself. I should give myself the same love I give to Bekki and other dogs. Offer gentle pats on the shoulder, and cut myself some slack of peaceful realization that I have done my absolute best.

All of us as souls are here to develop into a higher consciousness by learning and overcoming what we're here to learn. To notice the shadow and integrate it into our higher, unique Self. This is how we become whole. This is individuation. This is how we transmute dearness into light.

Later, I watched Bekki eagerly chewing on an egg carton I worried if she was in pain. Maybe she was anxious and stressed and needed to release it through chewing. OR—she could be having the time of her life, and passionately enjoying this chewing session.

There, I witnessed myself mastering the art of reframing my old story from a place of fear and anxiety to love and joy.

"It's not that bad. Nothing is ever that bad. Don't dread the unknown; nothing is in danger. You are safe." I heard from inside of me. Not a voice, it felt more like a very clear thought.

The Pivot Moment

I think I've come closest to understanding, at an experiential level, what self-love is. The feeling of when I know I can cut loose of all the unnecessary dramas, and mute all the never-ending noises that tell false stories from a place of fear.

Fear of abandonment. Fear of feeling helpless or being stuck in a horrible place with no exit. Fear of the uncertainty and the unknown. Fear of being left alone with no help. Fear of not being wanted. Fear of not being loved.

Where is me in these scenarios?

Don't I love myself? And will not abandon her?

I didn't abandon a wounded stray dog. I saved it, and I could love it.

What made me believe that I couldn't do the same to myself?

Where is me in these scenarios?

Did I forget about me?

More and more, I realized that learning about self-love is futile if I can't embody it. What good would it do if I only understood it in my mind?

Epiphany

For the first time, I felt like I could really put myself first. I could love myself and prioritize my needs first. I can now understand the meaning of;

"The pain is not mine to feel, to endure. It's OK not to bring that pain onto myself."

It won't contribute to the situation to sink myself down low to match that level of energy, just to feel that I am being a compassionate person. Where is the self-love in that?

Before now, I often asked myself if I understood what self-love is.

How to not feel guilty when I need to put myself first.

How to actually love myself, guilt-free?

You see, I associated self-love with selfishness; that was how my upbringing conditioned me. And it was rooted deep in the unconscious.

Right around my forty-seventh birthday, I finally arrived at that sweet spot. A place of clarity that could only be achieved by wisdom, not intellect. I know how to live that knowledge—to embody self-love.

We hear about self-love all our lives, but have we ever been able to live it, be an expression of it, and fully embody it in every cell of our blood and bone?

To experience the nervous system shifts.

To see the emotional patterns evolve.

To silence the inner critic, and self-perception stabilizes.

To witness the internal conflict softens.

To rise, as the soul becomes the navigator while the ego dissolves.

That's why reading about it, knowing about it, isn't enough.

Closing Reflection

When I embody self-love, that's when I can accept all that I am fully and wholeheartedly.

This simple truth reminds me that;

I am a process, not a product to perfect.

The value of my being is not contingent upon my success or failure.

I hold all parts of myself—the hurting child, the striving adult, the uncertain dreamer—within the same circle of compassion.

I offer myself the same unconditional regard I give to the world, and I wish to receive from the world.

I will focus on what I have done well. I won't beat myself up with the fear of the unknown.

Sounds simple, but almost impossible to understand. I wondered how I measure it.

Here is the single clearest indicator:

I stopped abandoning myself—especially in moments when I once would have.

I saw the threshold between conceptual self-love and embodied self-love.

And things started to change.

As I balance my ability to receive, I've been feeling in my body that I am loved. This self-love is my inherent vibration; I can now fill both my brain and my heart with love.

The unconditional positive self-regard is not indulgence—it is liberation. I am free to love myself unconditionally.

It's my turn.

📖Not My Pain: Part 1