168.2.1 | 2023_WK40 On Being a Resolute Warrior

Hello there, hoping life treats you kindly.

I have been working on setting myself up for this year's Nanowrimo (an annual writing marathon where participants aim to write a 50,000-word novel in the month of November), which was the event I got the first draft of my memoir done in 2021. Preptober, as we call it, is the October month when we get organized; summarize the outline of the novel, accumulate the research, develop the characters and the world, etc. A lot of preparation to be done now before we start the sprint in November.

But of course, not all can be achieved at the same time in this one month.

Prioritizing and letting go of some 'want to do' on the list will play a big role in these last three months before coming to the end of the year. Just the thought of it is already getting me on the edge of things (in a good way), in as much as it contributes to a sense of my FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), which isn't just the anxiety and stress about missing out on the experiences, social interactions and latest trends, or events.

In my case, this is the fear of not being able to accomplish everything on my agenda, the fear of not maximizing my time to the most optimal, or not having done enough research for what I need (hoarding), or the fear of choosing the wrong thing to focus on. This results in me juggling multiple (and complex) activities and ending up freezing in more intense terror by not being able to get anything done.

I then realized that I'm now back in a state where perfectionism is overpowering me.

I've been fighting this villain devil for as long as I can remember but only become acquainted with imperfection over the past several years. This is coming from someone who dreaded the white, blank page of a notebook because I believed that in whatever we do, everything can be fixed and perfected– except for the pristine, unsullied whiteness of a blank page that once it's struck by a line of ink, it's forever done and nothing can fix that impurity. This is the effortless quality of true perfection, and for this exact reason, it is very hard for a perfectionist to let it go.

So many things happened in the past week, so many stories waiting to be told, but I still find it impossible to get my ducks to align in a nice row of priorities. I'm doubting my ability and discounting my achievements, I'm feeling like a fraud; a sideshow, despite all the evidence of my competence, and that's a kill for creativity.

But I know that this is only temporary.

This twisted wreck, turbulent state of mind. Every week still feels like a push but that's OK because I know of its transient nature, and I know it will come to an end very soon.

I just know.

Like I know that one day we may arrive at the point where it all becomes too much. When the heart says 'no more', and we eventually give up.

And that's where the real work begins.

The work of finding the will to hope, and the power to thrive– in the midst of all the despair around.

I push forward because I know how good it will feel after I hit the "publish" button.

I push forward because I know that progress is happiness, and how much it will fuel me with the feeling of being alive.

I push forward because I have complete trust in my operating system, believing it will bring contentment and joy have I stick to it.

Thank you so much to all of you at the receiving end. You are part of this victory because I know that there are people who will read this and may benefit from it even in the smallest way.

And that's enough for me.

2 quotes that resonate with the vibes of the week

"Nothing is easier than to accumulate facts, nothing is so hard as to use them." – Oscar Wilde.

"On any given day, you may struggle with your habits because you're too busy or too tired or too overwhelmed or hundreds of other reasons. Over the long run, the real reason you fail to stick with habits is that your self-image gets in the way. This is why you can’t get too attached to one version of your identity. Progress requires unlearning. Becoming the best version of yourself requires you to continuously edit your beliefs, and to upgrade and expand your identity." – James Clear, (Atomic Habits)

1 self-reminder to meditate on

This is what I seek and often find in nature.

Some grand, infinite, empowering yet invisible companion I can go take a walk with. Thank you for being there and pointing the way to guide me forward with indefinite courage and will to go on.

No matter what.

168.2.1 was my first attempt to send out a weekly newsletter. It lasted eleven weeks. It was hard, too ambitious a goal, but it taught me to love myself through missteps and the adversity of perseverance.